Breathing (or not)

Today's workout was the worst in a long time. Maybe the worst ever. Hopefully I will not have another one like it ever (at least in terms of attitude; exercises, maybe if I can overcome my attitude).

1. Take 3 deep breaths. On the last one, exhale everything, hold your breath for as long as you can, inhale, hold your breath for as long as you can. Repeat for 3 total times. Times: 18 seconds, 48 seconds; 18, 50; 18, 50. Consistent.
2. Lunge: 30-second iso, exhale everything, then quick-style reps for 50 seconds (breathing as necessary but ideally not often; the 50 comes from the timing above).
3. Wall squat: same methodics.
4. Glute ham
5. Push up
6. Curl

Lunge was OK, wall squat about the same, glute ham I made it about 30 seconds before I couldn't do any reps between breaths and quit and then had to restart the whole thing, push up I failed and quit after 10 seconds and cried (eventually finishing later), and curl I just did. I was so frustrated. I don't understand why you would purposely deprive yourself of oxygen and then make yourself work hard. Will reminded me that every time we run, I stop because I say I can't breathe. This is supposed to be teaching you that you can work even when you feel like you're not getting enough oxygen and teaching your body how to use efficiently what little oxygen you might be getting. I hated it, didn't want to do it, and didn't do it well.

I was not happy to be doing this. Even though I did it, I did not do it well. That's probably what frustrated me the most. I couldn't work as hard as I knew I should have been able to, or at least as hard as I have been able to for other exercises. I wanted to be able to do it well and do it right, and I couldn't do either. Will tried to encourage me by saying that if I weren't doing well he would tell me, but that didn't help—he couldn't see what I was thinking (nor did I want him to be able to!). I guess I was thinking, "I just want to breathe! I can't hold my breath any longer. I'm so frustrated; I don't want to be here doing this." Then I would get frustrated because I had to time everything and though I should have finished around 1:20, I kept having to go to 1:45 or 1:50 or 2 minutes because I had to subtract time for breaths. I really did try to change my attitude but did not succeed.

I think I was really thinking, "This is impossible. How can I work at all when I can't breathe or when I have to hold my breath? I have enough trouble breathing (or at least remembering to breathe) when I'm allowed to. Now I'm not even allowed to???" So I probably went in with the wrong attitude, and it didn't improve at all.

Tonight's workout is similar:

1. Same methodics for 3 breaths, timing, 3 times.
2. Lunge: reps only (no 30-sec iso)
3. Glute ham: reps only
4. Curl: reps only, light bar
5. Plate front delt: reps only, 10-lb plate or dumbbell

You can be sure that I will not be doing this at any Y. Cabana, here I come. During a little strategy session/debriefing/pep talk, I'm convinced I can do this I just need to focus. And look at it as a challenge.

Even without the iso, this didn't go much better. I did them all; it's really only 1 minute of work for 4 total minutes. But I did not want to and had a horrible attitude. I was not excited. I just wanted to leave. I held my composure while I was doing this workout, but I pretty much lost it on my walk back up to the house. I didn't even know why I was so upset. I think I was just frustrated with myself because I wasn't liking the workout and thus wasn't working hard. Then I was frustrated because those were ridiculous reasons. Then I was frustrated because I was frustrated. I did not even call Will to let him know that I'd at least done what he'd told me to do. But I definitely found solace in the following passages:

Psalm 130:1–8
Out of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD; Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.

If You, LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning—yes, more than those who watch for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD; for with the LORD there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption. And He shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

Psalm 116:1–19
I love the LORD, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

The pains of death surrounded me, and the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the LORD: “O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!”

Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; yes, our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living. I believed, therefore I spoke, “I am greatly afflicted.” I said in my haste, “All men are liars.”

What shall I render to the LORD for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD. I will pay my vows to the LORD now in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints.

LORD, truly I am Your servant; I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the LORD.

I will pay my vows to the LORD now in the presence of all His people, in the courts of the LORD’s house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD!