Fighting

As I sit here alone in the quiet Farkas house (the only things I can hear are a few birds outside, Tigger wandering around, and the computer), I'm fighting a major war in my mind. It's really like a series of little battles that just won't seem to go away. I don't know when it started. Maybe last week when I was on vacation, maybe the weekend before when I had a house full of people, maybe this week when I got home, maybe during my two races last week, maybe some other time. All I know is that my mind won't leave my legs alone.

I'm not injured, so I have no physical excuse for not completing all my workouts. The only excuse I have is mental. Last week when I raced the first tri on Sunday, I went in with the intention of winning. I swam hard and stayed with the pack, rode hard and beat 371 other women off the bike, and ran OK to end up 11^th of 375. Not a bad day's work, but not where I wanted to be, either. One girl, Melanie, and beaten me by 5 minutes in 5K, and I was not happy with my run especially after seeing her time. When I next raced on Saturday, it ended up being a run bike run, and I did OK on the first run, slightly better on the bike to beat all but 3 women again, and not so good on the second run to end up 8^th out of 87-women.

But my attitude on that day was less than stellar. Not that I didn't want to race, because I did. It was that I knew I wouldn't win, because Melanie was in that race also, and if she had beaten me by 5 min in a 5K, there was no telling what she could do in two runs. So basically I was racing for second place in my age group, not even for the overall win at that point. It didn't keep me from pushing hard on the bike, but I think it did keep me from working as hard as I could have worked on the two runs.

So here I am today, a week later, not wanting to ride, not wanting to finish my workouts, not wanting to train, because I know that regardless of whether I do my best (and I always do), it's probably not going to be better than someone else's best. I read the blogs of some of the other pros and know how hard they work and how fast they finish the races, and then I think that I'll never be that fast. When I told Will about the duathlon, he was like, "We need to get you faster on the run and you'll be good to go?" What I didn't say but wanted to was that it's not that easy. I might get faster, but then I'll just be running 7-minute miles instead of 8-minute miles, but I still won't be running 6-minute miles the the girls I want to race against are running. And I don't know how to get there. I feel like I should be there because I work so hard, but I am not there and don't know if I'll ever be as fast as I want to be.

I don't know how to get past this road block in my mind. Every time I've gone out this week, I haven't wanted to finish because I've been thinking, "My best isn't ever going to be better than Bree's best or Melanie's best, so what am I working for?" I haven't come up with an answer yet. I know that God has given me the ability to run and ride and swim and race, and I want to use that ability for Him. But is it really going to glorify Him that much if I'm not the best? If I finish out of the top 10 in local races, how do I think I'm going to succeed in bigger races? Could it be that He has something else for me that I can't even imagine? If so, how do I find out about it?

Despite all my problems this week (example: Today's ride was supposed to be 4 hours. At mile 16 I had to turn around because I saw 2 dogs not on leashes, so I didn't complete that loop and didn't repeat it either. However, during the 40-mile ride, I saw about 5 dozen turkeys, A few vultures near road kill, thought about quitting about 4 dozen times, and wanted to cry most of the ride because I was so frustrated with myself for being so frustrated for no reason), all I've been dreaming about for the last 2 or 3 days has been racing. Usually my dreams have to do with things that have happened the day before or 2 days before. This are races I haven't done and I'm out there competing well.

I don't know! My solution for this week is to join Master Swim and swim with the masters at MFY. Then I probably will do my own swim workouts on the other days and I don't plan to ride or run at all, except for maybe Wednesday. I'm hoping that after a week I'll actually want to ride and run and then I'll enjoy it. We'll see how it goes.

Another part of the problem, which I'm hoping that swimming with the masters will help, is accountability. I know it's not totally true, but I feel like when Will left, he took all my accountability with him. Now no one knows or cares what my workouts are and whether I'm doing them. Then I don't have to because I'm the only one who knows. That comes down to a matter of self-discipline, and I'm hoping the group dynamics of Masters Swim will help me in that area.