Thursday, February 7, 2008


I think I’ve finally pinpointed part of my problem. Well, maybe not a problem, but the happenings and questions I’ve been going through the last couple days.

Settling down
I don’t have a desire to settle down. I realized about this at Christmas—I am so used to picking up and moving every 8-9 months. It’s a cycle I have come to look forward to. During college it was the same, in Oshkosh it was the same, and while I have been here for four months now, I feel like it’s going to be the same, here, too.

It’s not that I don’t like the places where I have been. I loved Cedarville, and if I had to do it over again, I’d go back to Cedarville. I made some great friends and had many wonderful opportunities. I had a blast in Oshkosh. Everyone in Cornerstone welcomed me with open arms, and I made some great friends. I enjoy the climate and terrain here. It’s splendid for bike riding and running during the winter (and hopefully summer!).

But what am I going to do when I want something different again? I think the reason I have yet to find a job is because I have yet to look with the right attitude. I want a job where I’ll get paid a lot but it doesn’t matter if I want to leave in a year or so. Who wants to hire someone for a professional job if they know she isn’t going to stay around long enough to make them money? And what if I find a job and really like it, and never want to leave. What might become of my training and my desire to compete?

Maybe, then, I should start looking for a job that would be less skilled, less money, but where they are used to a higher turnover. Of course there’s always the issue of not working, which I currently am doing, but it would be impossible to support myself for very long without any source of income.

That’s why I thought online freelance jobs would be perfect. I could do them from wherever, whenever, and I could bid on whichever ones I wanted. I’ve been keeping up with bidding on jobs, and trying to keep my bids low, but I have yet to be accepted for any. So I’m seeing that as a sign from God that maybe that’s not what’s for me. Or, maybe I just haven’t given it enough time. But if that’s not it, and none of the other jobs have turned out anything either, then what is for me?

I’m afraid to set a date at which I will stop looking for a professional job and will start looking for something. Anything, really. I read the story about Gideon (Judges 6), and God told Him exactly what to do. I felt like God told me to move to Franklin, and here I am. But I think I expected Him to tell me where to work and what to do, and either I haven’t heard Him or He hasn’t yet told me. So I don’t want to show that I have little faith, because I know that His will surely will come about in the end. I want to do His will. I want to please Him. But I want to know where I’m going. I want to know what I’m supposed to do.

It’s possible He’s not allowing me to know because then I will feel like I am in charge, or at least maintaining some sort of control over what’s happening in my life. It’s hard for me not to have control, and I don’t enjoy not knowing what’s going to happen. I like to be able to see the big picture, but sometimes it hinders my faith in God. He doesn’t always reveal His will—if we look at the scroll, we only know what’s been opened so far. God, on the other hand, knows the rest of the story, since He wrote it and then rolled it up to be revealed in His time.

I don’t want to challenge God with my questions. I believe He will not condemn me for questioning Him if I approach with the right attitude. Do kids not question us when they want to learn more? But there are limits to the questioning.

For example, a dad may yell “Stop!” at his child when she is on the edge of the curb about to cross the street. She must know at that time that he expects immediate obedience, and her questioning him is unacceptable. But if they are doing projects in the garage, and dad says to daughter, “Please wear safety goggles,” is she not entitled to ask, at least once, “Dad, why do you insist that I wear these?” He does not have to answer, and she must still wear the glasses, but she asks to find out more information, to learn. (Please read Habakkuk for a more in-depth look at questioning God.)

There are mysteries that God has not yet revealed, and those that He will not reveal until Jesus comes again and receives us to Himself. Revelation 10:6-8 says,
And he swore by him who lives for ever and ever, who created the heavens and all that is in them, the earth and all that is in it, and the sea and all that is in it, and said, "There will be no more delay! But in the days when the seventh angel is about to sound his trumpet, the mystery of God will be accomplished, just as he announced to his servants the prophets." Then the voice that I had heard from heaven spoke to me once more: "Go, take the scroll that lies open in the hand of the angel who is standing on the sea and on the land." (NIV, emphasis added)
Still I desire to know more about life, more about what will happen tomorrow. But James 4:13-14 says:
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (NIV)
And Matthew 6:28-30, 33-34 says:
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? … But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV, emphasis added)
He is ultimately in control, and no amount of questioning on my part will compel God to reveal His mysteries. And for that I love Him all the more. He is so consistent, so loving, so just, so awesome, and He truly does care for me.

Which makes me ask, “Am I truly willing to submit my desires, my all, myself, to Him and His control? Am I willing to relinquish the control that I really don’t even have over my current circumstances?”

I also think I haven’t been able to make a decision or find a job that is right for me because for some reason I think that I know who I’m going to marry and he is not here. I knew before I even met the boy that I liked him. Of course, how do you know when you think one way, and the other person says no, God hasn’t told him that I’m the one. And how can you tell fleshly desire from Godly desire? The encouraging thing is that this doesn’t feel like high school—where I could hardly go a day without thinking about someone, whoever I happened to have a crush on. I can go days without thinking about him, and when I do, I just try to pray for him and his ministry. But I also pray, “God, I love him. I want to be able to love him. Why can’t I?” I just don’t know. Is it selfish to pray that God moves him here? It is, after all, a great city for both musicians and young people!

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